just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
