im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
