Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
