On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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