I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
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How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
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I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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