I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
