final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
