is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
