my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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