this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
