I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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