why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
