70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
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