Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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