Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
