I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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