Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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