Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
