So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
