I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
