I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
