Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
In America we eat man semen.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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