He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
