Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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