dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
