I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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