did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.