I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.