so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
