I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I am mentally ready for anal.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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