if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
