ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
