Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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