I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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