What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
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You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
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someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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