dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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