I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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