Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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