you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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