I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
