just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
