drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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