i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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