I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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