Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
