i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
