Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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