it wasn't lemon gatorade
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
