I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
