I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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