there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...