YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I can text with my tongue
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.