I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
