I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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