I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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