nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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