Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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